Ya ne pon-i-mai-you

Supposedly there is now a smoking ban in Kazakhstan. It is enforced with enigmatic Central Asian post Soviet eccentricity and unpredictability. Smoking is banned in all public places including bus stops and in subways... except the stairwell at Ultras' microbrewery, most tables in Petroleum nightclub, and even the Aztec Bar under the no smoking sign which is above the table reserved for the local traffic 'police' who obviously can't read either; to name but a few.

There are often signs in subways saying that the fine is 2000 tenge. These signs are printed on A4 by a bubble jet printer and mounted in a document wallet from a ring binder. Just official enough for an off duty private security guard to try to enforce this ban in the name of public health (obviously). 

Ten days ago I was walking back from a restaurant evening meal with Xavier my French housemate and a German visitor.  We went down from the snowy street in to the underpass on Abay/ Ablaikhan. They were smoking. I was not. In the linking tunnel we met a uniformed private security guard playing a fruit machine with another man.

We had not seen the signs and it never occured to me as a non smoker to even look for them. He, on the other hand, saw an opportunity to levy the fine and tried to detain us - he was exceedingly chunky and very persistent so we didn't risk just walking on.

On occasions like these I suddenly don't understand any Russian. It is perhaps the only weapon - and it kind of works. If they can't commuicate you have done something wrong, they give up and leave you alone. Or that is the theory at least. Ya ne pon-i-mai-you.

After pretending not to understand a word he was saying, the offending cigarettes were quickly extinguished but this did not placate him and he tried to communicate that we still needed to pay - all three of us! - the stupid touristii card was not going to work and he persisted. He was very matter of fact, as if we'd walked into a club or an exhibition, had accidentally omitted to pay and simply needed to rectify this small oversight before we could proceed. Cheeky blighter.

At this point we calmly walked off and he followed and grabbed me gently by the sleeve and tried to lead me back to the subway to pay the fine. Don't know why he grabbed me as it was clear I was never smoking. I resisted calmly but he had hold of my jacket - then he called his mate as back-up to try another explanation and it all got a little more intimidating. They were both very interested in upholding the law.

After a bit more pretending-to-be-stupid and a few single Russian words in exaggeratedly bad accent (Xavier finds this hilariously entertaining but he shouldn't laugh DURING the altercation) we began edging up the steps to street level. After an unsuccessful attempt to engage passers-by to dilute the situation, we managed to flag a car, jumped in and told the driver to just drive. Boyo was still following us all this time, right up to getting in the car. I explained to the driver what had happened and for a second, after our confession, I saw in his eyes a hesitation which suggested he thought it was worth driving us to the nearest police station to cash in for himself!

So the smoking ban in Kazakhstan. It seems even passive smoking in a subway could get you in trouble. Or is it the company I keep?